Singer Billie Eilish is bisexual – she has said so herself. Sometimes even in, shall we say, “colorful” terms.
But now that she’s dating actor Nat Wolff, a familiar and rather groan-worthy trend is once more rearing its ugly head: Perpetuation of the idea that Eilish, like other bisexual women who frequently date men, is not an actual member of the LGBTQ community.
This week, as news of her burgeoning relationship broke, social media channels have been awash in comments that publicly doubt Eilish’s bisexuality. “I guess being bisexual is pretty cool until it’s time to actually date the same gender,” reads one X post. In another, she and other bisexual celebrities with paramours of the opposite gender, like singer Miley Cyrus or actor Timothée Chalamet, are collectively labeled as “queerbaiters,” or individuals who feign non-heterosexuality as a way of bolstering their popularity.
Yes, because publicly identifying as queer has traditionally opened doors, rather than closing them. (Note: That is sarcasm.)
This practice is called bisexual erasure, or the tendency to dismiss bisexuality as either performative – especially if the bisexual person in question is not publicly with a same-sex partner – or as an identity that doesn’t actually exist. Eilish’s high-profile example is part of a broader, persistent problem. And it’s one that impacts bisexual women more, research indicates.
Indeed, a 2021 study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that people are most likely to assume that bisexual women are actually heterosexual, while at the same time assuming that bisexual men are actually concealing homosexuality – both offensive leaps in logic, but the difference is that individuals are completely stripping bisexual women of their queerness in their minds. All the while, anti-LGBTQ discrimination is disproportionately harming women in general, and bisexual representation in pop culture is waning.
The combined result? Increased health problems among bisexuals, according to GLAAD, including upticks in anxiety and depression, as well as elevated incidences of heart disease and lower cancer-screening rates.
The hurt is real, is the point.
Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase: “Your feelings are valid.” These words speak to affirming the emotions that course through us whether they feel rational or merited, or not – sometimes in amounts beyond our understanding, and always beyond our control. Elation, anger, grief, jealousy…
The same very much applies to queerness. One’s feelings are valid in this regard, too, and there are no qualifications to that statement. No need for a minimum number of experiences with same-sex partners before membership is granted. And no need to discuss private moments, or private feelings, if one is not comfortable doing so. There is no litmus test for verifying one’s sexuality – and it’s certainly not something one person can confer upon another.
This world takes so much from women, in particular. But no one gets to take away our feelings – or our queerness. ◼️
