{"id":73926,"date":"2024-09-10T12:03:39","date_gmt":"2024-09-10T16:03:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thestoryexchange.org\/?p=73926"},"modified":"2025-08-11T10:57:18","modified_gmt":"2025-08-11T14:57:18","slug":"dear-men-your-silence-is-also-frightening","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thestoryexchange.org\/dear-men-your-silence-is-also-frightening\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear Men: Your Silence is (Also) Frightening"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Protesters decry silence and a lack of accountability for men who assault, rape or otherwise harm women. It needs to be shouted down as much as possible. (Credit: Wikimedia Commons<\/a>)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

It\u2019s every woman\u2019s worst nightmare.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In France, an ongoing trial<\/a> is adding new fire to broader conversations around sexual assault<\/a>, the abusive men<\/a> who commit them, and the fellow men who protect the assailants. Dominique Pelicot, 71, stands accused of repeatedly drugging and raping his wife, Gis\u00e8le Pelicot \u2013 and encouraging a stomach-turning 72 other men to rape her. His daughter, 45-year-old Caroline Darian, fears she may have been her father\u2019s victim<\/a> as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In November 2020, police learned of the series of attacks on Gis\u00e8le Pelicot, also 71, while investigating Dominique Pelicot for taking upskirt photos of women at a supermarket near their Mazan home. In all, they found over 20,000 images in his possession depicting about 200 rapes that took place between 2011 and 2020. As she was unconscious during the assaults, she did not know about any of them prior to the discovery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI told [the police] \u2026 I was a one-man woman,\u201d she recently testified<\/a>. \u201cI couldn\u2019t bear any man\u2019s hands on me other than my husband\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She had grappled with health complications due to the attacks, but had no explanation for the weight, hair and memory loss she\u2019d experienced for years prior to learning of her husband\u2019s depravity \u2013 she\u2019d attributed her symptoms to early-onset Alzheimer\u2019s before learning the truth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The assailants<\/a>, meanwhile \u2013 some of whom, like Dominique Pelicot, admit to their guilt, and some who claimed to think it was a consensual game \u2013 are as young as 26 and as old as 74. Among them are military members, firefighters and journalists, vocations whose primary function is the protection of others. One of them was her own damn neighbor. \u201cHe came over to check our bikes. I used to see him at the bakery. He was always polite,\u201d she recalled to the courtroom. \u201cI had no idea he was coming to rape me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And, it\u2019s worth noting also that Dominique Pelicot actually invited 83 men<\/a>, in all, to violate his passed-out wife. Which means there were nine additional individuals who were given the opportunity, turned it down \u2013 and then, like the rest, told no one of the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But there\u2019s no hiding anymore. And the reason we know about all of this \u2013 most of the men\u2019s names, and the details of their attacks \u2013 is because Gis\u00e8le Pelicot waved the offer of privacy, instead opting for public proceedings that would see her assailants tried not only in a court of law, but in a court of public opinion as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI have had no sympathy from any of the accused,\u201d she said on the stand, before adding that, despite appearances, she is gutted by all of this. \u201cInside me, it is a scene of devastation. The fa\u00e7ade may look solid, but behind it…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

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Related<\/h4>\n <\/div>\n \n
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\n \n \"\"\n <\/a>\n <\/div>\n
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\n \n Feminist Icons, Orgs: \u2018We Condemn the Public Shaming of Amber Heard\u2019\n <\/a>\n <\/h3>\n <\/div>\n <\/div>\n\n <\/div>\n <\/div>\n\n\n

Why We Prefer the Bear<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Earlier this year, a hypothetical debate<\/a> gripped most every social media platform: Would women rather be trapped in a situation with a man, or a bear? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Women largely chose the bear \u2013 a strong and objectively fearsome creature that can weigh over 1,000 pounds, with claws that can be up to 4 inches long. Why would that be our selection? In one TikTok video<\/a>, user \u201cdontceceme\u201d compiled some explanatory comments. \u201cIf I survive the bear attack, I won\u2019t have to see the bear at family reunions,\u201d read one. Added another: \u201cThe worst thing the bear can do is kill me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

See, at least with the bear, we know what we’re in for. Its danger, its lethality, isn’t hidden behind soft skin, trimmed nails, heroic professions or a network of scumbags willing to stay silent. The bear likely won\u2019t violently attack the female bears in its life, the way about 80% of human men<\/a> do to the women around them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we pass you on the street, or work with you, or spend social time with you\u2026 when we flirt with you, or go on a date with you\u2026 when we make love to you, bare our bodies and minds and hearts to you\u2026 when we commit to you, marry you, perhaps even bear your children and work with you to raise them\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is a part of us that must always wonder: Are you one of the ones who will harm us, rape us or kill us? Are you one of the ones who will keep your brothers\u2019 secrets as we are harmed, raped or killed? Have you done all of this already?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The painful truth is that we can\u2019t truly know. Gis\u00e8le Pelicot sure as hell didn\u2019t know, and she had been married to her husband for nearly half a century. Fifty years of parenting, and shopping lists, and inside jokes, and Sunday mornings. Nearly 10 years of which, it turns out, she spent being brutally raped by her husband and a small cavalry of monsters, without her knowledge and certainly without her consent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And as frustrating as this all may be for men to hear \u2013 imagine how that makes the world feel for the women around you. Those of you who do not mean us harm need to join in crying out against the men who do. You need to honor us, and honor the trust we elect to place in you despite growing up in a world that cautions us, through countless examples, not to do so. It is, truly, the least you can do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or, perhaps you can go find a bear and take your chances instead. The way we do with you daily. ◼️<\/p>\n\n\n

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Related<\/h4>\n <\/div>\n \n
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\n \n \"\"\n <\/a>\n <\/div>\n
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\n \n R. Kelly’s Conviction Comes Thanks, in Large Part, to Black Women\u2019s Efforts\n <\/a>\n <\/h3>\n <\/div>\n <\/div>\n\n <\/div>\n <\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In France, a horrifying case about rapes and the network that kept them secret exemplifies why women don’t — and can’t — yet trust men, Candice Helfand-Rogers writes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":62,"featured_media":73927,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"autoblue_enabled":false,"autoblue_custom_message":"","autoblue_shares":[],"autoblue_post_url":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[19648],"tags":[21323,19645,21250,19714],"class_list":["post-73926","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-opinion","tag-abuse-and-accountability","tag-opinion","tag-sexual-assault","tag-womens-rights"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nOp-Ed on Abusive Men, Rapists, Women Breaking Silence<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In France, a case about rapes and the network that kept them secret exemplifies why women can't yet trust men, Candice Helfand-Rogers writes.\" \/>\n<meta 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